This Poem was Submitted By: cheyenne smyth On Date: 2012-02-27 17:59:23 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Fighting Tears The day we met was blessed so long ago
I heard the lilt and lute a tuneful song
Then tasted sweetness only God could know
A slice of dawn observed love growing strong
While beads of wine we mixed with laughter spilled
On linen with taper’s wavering light
With midnight folds our hopes became fulfilled
And feathered kisses led to more delight
Then through the silence softer than my lace
Returned faint whispers we had uttered last
Such words we’d murmured into dreamy space
That still drifts back as tokens from our past
In one embrace we found that dreams come true
When morrow’s fog held sighs I cherished you
But then time took your halting breath away
And when I offered mine it came too late
Now morning comes I seek the night and pray
The day may soften wounds of our ill fate
The molten sun still fights against the dark
Against the inky lies we always knew
We knew the truth its face was scarred and stark
And now, I fight the tears that well for you
When brighter skies return to lift the mist
I’ll revel once again in dreams we shared
Forget your face was racked with pain, insist
I will remember how we loved and cared
From positive events through which one lives
We draw from life, the gift that ever gives
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Copyright © February 2012 cheyenne smyth
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2012-03-07 14:28:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
cheyenne, almost disregarding your last stanza, the journey you take us through angles the commonality of relationship, for the good and the bad.
There is in this piece, that place that all of us have shared. –when brighter skies return- as is the promise, it still regards those things special lost to the sea of time and past. That regard enriches the moments carried on, because the enrish us.
A very specific verse in all particulars. Standing out to me is - Returned faint whispers we had uttered last - Such words we’d murmured into dreamy space;
having cherished such I appreciate the return.
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2012-03-07 08:02:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Nice and tight in form. At that, too predictable. But my prejudice. Like a lover taken to the point of
habit. Because you're good at something doesn't mean you couldn't be better at something else. A poet is
never better than when they break with convention and succeed. Hard to do, but I think you could...succeed.
From now on, Cheyenne, expect the uncompromising truth from me. It's the one thing most missing here in this
fastly, once again becoming mutual admiration society. Let's break this ho hum. Even be outrageous once in
while to do so. Nothing stimulates juices more. Be a fire-in-the-blood lady for me. You're no Victorian spinster trying to copy Emily Dickinson. Peaking around the corner a little, I see that. If only I had your
cheek to kiss now. JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2012-03-01 18:19:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Chey
I'm in a maudlin mood this morning. That's why this poem reminds me of Khalil Gibran: "But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires ... To know the pain of too much tenderness."
I guess you know the feeling :-)
Mark.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Ellen K Lewis On Date: 2012-02-28 18:35:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Cheyenne! I can really feel the depth and the sorrow you express. Wow. Very thoughtfully done. I share your pain, or something near it and so I really 'fought my own tears'...
I noticed that your meter is kept near perfect throughout! And I like the way you shifted down to two lines between verses.
The day we met was blessed so long ago
I heard the lilt and lute a tuneful song
Then tasted sweetness only God could know
A slice of dawn observed love growing strong
I think I have a suggestion. If the above was to take on a new style, say like a love letter:
the day we met was blessed!
it was long ago when
I heard the lilt and lute sing
a tuneful song and
then tasted sweetness only
God knows.
A slice of dawn observed
our love growing strong.
Its only a suggestion for your next write. I know this piece is intended to show sorrow, and it does. I'm looking forward to your 'joyful love' poetry. I think its in there peeking out.
~smiles to you~~ Ellen
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2012-02-28 06:32:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hauntingly beautiful Cheyenne - in each line you give your heart wide open all of the feelings intended with each word showing the reader how wonderful a time this was. Pure everlasting love that was broken before it's time was over - and the sadness stands out - with imagery of a story that touches the core of the reader.
So many good things in this poem it's hard to pick out my favorite parts of it.
The first two verses are very strong - it's the beginning of something wonderful to the second verse where you pull it deeper with emotions - love being everything the happiness is overflowing. Somehow you managed to go further in a descriptive manner showing us the fight, the anger, the unbelievable event that happened and this part cuts like a knife.
Acceptance and hope for the future is realized but also a personal message - of how you ended with:
From positive events through which one lives, We draw from life, the gift that ever gives -which to me is
being blessed to have had this in life and be able to go back and remember every part of how wonderful it was.
Kudos to you - this is very, very good -
blessings,
Deni
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