This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2008-08-30 17:22:33 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Calla Cavatina
eyes swallow the sky
like sapphire wine; poured
from a chalice of clouds, to
skip along moon-washed skin
cadent glissandos
to the chorale of passion
lips unfurl
breath splashed
in pearled beams
against the thin adagio of midnight sun
in the vein of alabaster petals;
wet with light, and
blessed in virgin blush -
I blossom
at the spiral of your touch
leaves curled in communion
awaiting crescendo
and;
in the soon-after of your gaze -
I am
but a single note
amidst a sonatina
of stars
beneath the silver halo
of moon
~ |
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Copyright © August 2008 Mary J Coffman
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2008-09-07 20:26:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Mary, enjoyed this very much and the presentation of your words brought it to life.......hope you do well in the contest for it deserves to be recognized......God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: James C. Horak On Date: 2008-09-02 04:37:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary, sometimes an image can be incoherent, in this case your very first one.
So important to your poem because it is your very first one. We are captivated
by the breadth of, "eyes swallow the sky" but "like sapphire wine" fails to
serve to extend the beginning of a promising illusion with coherence. Although
we can extend the allowance you mean the sky and its clouds, the subject of
an extended compound sentence is the transitive, "eyes". Your reader shouldn't
have to make such leaps.
Everything that follows splendidly works, stepping out even more glaringly this
critical error. One I implore you to fix so that I may far more deservedly espy
this poems elegant potential, anal retentive that I am.
JCH
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2008-09-01 21:46:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary,
Very sensual, 'in the soon after of your gaze' very nice.
A single note is nice also.
Sounds like blossoming could be nice!
Good.....
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2008-08-30 20:20:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Mary,
As always your poems with their wonderful verbiage are food for the spirit, they definately feed a parched mind and fire the muse. Thank you so much for sharing your gift with us, I always delight in the reading of your work. I can not single out one line as favorite for I'd be doing an injustice to the others, they go hand in hand, bound tightly for perfection.
Namaste'
Lora
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