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Shine On Star Of Hope The air is thick with death and burns the nostrils fresh air is an illusion that fails to penetrate the lung though around me it be blackened as a dungeon I know I am not alone for I can hear the cries and the coughing and the vomiting of those around me. I can not bear the burden here my heart breaks within me my soul finds no respite in a faith that defy's me. Yet there is one voice I listen for her always dream of hugging her as if I might one day have the chance. "hope! hope! faith and love" never quieting her voice she sings of things we can not know do not dare to hope for. She strokes the hair of a child nearby "shhh" she softly comforts she offers vivid images for them that they might never forget the moon, the earth and sky. tiny stories of joyous times she brings and renews life. hope, faith and love. She believes in them tells those with ears that there is hope for the people's persecution is near over and mankind is basically good and will return to a higher place in the heavens. where the generals and the marshalls the German and the Jew will walk freely amidst the gentiles amongst the moon, the earth and the sky. Death by starvation and stench it mourned her to see them die they lay huddled within the others the only warmth the dead could offer were the garments they had on them tattered and torn they rent them. And still her voice would not be quieted for love is the greatest of these. |
Additional Notes:
Anne Frank should always be remembered for the gifts she gave,
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2006-12-03 14:18:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Hi Ellen. It is so good to see your work again. This is a lovely poem, meaningful and deeply felt. I would like to make suggestions for trivial changes.
Shine On Star Of Hope
The air is thick with death and burns the nostrils [good beginning]
fresh air is an illusion [and] fails to penetrate the lung
[as an illusion cannot penetrate anything in any case]
though around me it [is]
there no need for the archaic “be†in the line above
blackened as a dungeon
[find a fresher analogy than black/dungeon]
I know I am not alone
[-for] I can hear the cries
[-and ]the coughing
[and] the vomiting
of those around me.
I can not bear the burden here
[-my heart breaks within me [not fresh allusion]
my soul finds no respite
in a faith that [defies [sp] me.
Yet there is one voice
I listen for her always
dream of hugging her as if
I might one day have the chance.
"[H]ope! hope! faith and love"
never quieting her voice
she sings of things we can not know
do not dare to hope for. [This is ambiguous it sounds like we want to
hope for these terrible things of which we do not know]
She strokes the hair of a child nearby
"shhh" she softly comforts
she offers vivid images for them
that they might never forget
the moon, the earth and sky.
tiny stories of joyous times
she brings and renews life.
hope, faith and love.
She believes in them
tells [those with ears?â€]that there is hope
[that] the [-people’s] persecution is [nearly] over
and mankind is basically good and will return
to a higher place in the heavens. [ gradations of heaven would not have been in her religious lexicon.]
where the generals and the m[arshals]
the German and the Jew
will walk freely amidst the gentiles [Germans are already gentiles]
amongst the moon, the earth and the sky.
Death by starvation and stench [can stench cause death?]
it mourned her [odd verb] to see them die
they lay huddled within the others
the only warmth the dead could offer
were the garments they had on them
tattered and torn they rent them. [who rent them? The dead
can’t rent things]
And still her voice
would not be quieted
for love
is the greatest of these.
It is odd to end with that evocative-of- Christian - Testament quotation if this is a tribute to Ann Frank. LOts of good images and tender moments in this piece.
Best
Rachel