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Timing Babies are born one upon another Yet troubled earth is fixed to blow With unease suffers the mothers Still tiny ones are set to show Innocence shines through their eyes Energy pure and perfect new Conscious adults tend to cry Hope arrives for a child's debut Love doesn't end when times ride rough Sometimes it's cherished even more In it's seeking it builds one tough New existence, welcome ashore Like the silence of snow falling A mother's instinct transcends all Against all odds she will prevail The promise of love must not fail New beginnings could possibly be Reviving the goals of harmony |
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2012-02-07 20:43:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Dellena
I've read this one several times, trying to get a fix on my response to it. While I like it, I think overall it just doesn't quite come together for me :-( Sorry.
E.g. in the first stanza: "Babies are born one upon another/Yet troubled earth is fixed to blow/With unease suffers the mothers". The first image makes me think of a "pile of babies", which is probably NOT what you're after. Further on, because I'm so anal, I go looking for punctuation to help me grasp this, but there's no such help...and the lack of noun/verb agreement (either "suffers the mother" or "suffer the mothers", NOT "suffers the mothers") is confusing.
I guess all I'm really saying is that this one doesn't seem to have the flow you usually achieve.
Best wishes,
Mark.