This Poem was Submitted By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-01-23 08:27:50 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Words
In a lifetime I've said so much
As many
or more words
than falling rain drops
So many
puddles to count
while celebrating
days
into nights
leaving behind
work well done
Sleeping
feeling secure
that I completed today
in a gracious way
Yet I ponder
and pause
to reflect on which day
I spoke words
that were not meant to say
that can never
be forgiven as in God
tells us too
Someone
holds a grudge
no matter what I do
If memory
would serve me
to remember now
I would
return to the moment
and change it somehow
You could toss
every word back at me
forget
and move on
allow yourself the dignity
of setting my humble heart free
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Copyright © January 2010 DeniMari Z.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2010-02-06 02:20:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni,
Meaningful words...which speak of the human kind's inherent lack of the ability to forgive and most who do, are in the clear minority. I can relate and recall instances when grudges against me have caged me into confusion.
Technique-wise I would look at flow a little more closely before considering imagery. I felt the flow and tempo sort of changed. Ironing out the meter would be a good first step to build on a further revision.
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2010-01-24 17:15:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni,
Words can seem to ramble on as you show in this poem by the rambling format and wording.
As if talking to yourself. Self analyzing. If our every word returned to us we would be
amazed and befuddled at to where it came from and why! It would be quite a enlightened moment.
Good poem with a very subtle message.
Like leading me down the garden path.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2010-01-23 17:59:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Deni,
This poem immediately found resonance with the most exquisitely personal writing in the Bible, that of the Psalms. Prayers spoken from close to the heart and soul.
What gives this piece of writing its universality, is its lack of adornment, lack of compensating reasoning and its acknowledgment of imperfection- its humanness sheltered by compassion. I hope you see why it is different from other "I" writing.
As well, and twice now today (once from Dellena in a critique she did of one of my poems), I found utter beauty in words...."allow yourself the dignity....of setting my humble heart free"...; is poetic truth at its finest.
Terry
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2010-01-23 15:20:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Deni,
I like this. Very confessional, very real. I found its voice refreshing.
MSS
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