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Dire Moments can hang Spanish moss-like In no breeze To stir gentleness Sweet eyes looking down Knowing nothing to say Darting here, there A moment thunders into passing While you let go me |
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2008-12-29 11:11:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
JCH, as always I approach with trepidation even such a simple verse as this. You often leave scant clues as to what you are really saying- and I do work at finding the theme. This piece makes me feel like you are testing me.
With your title, barring an unseen inference, with regards to the verse, there is the truth of brokenness. As inane as it may seem, I have been “destroyed†and know the “Direâ€â€™ness of such a heart.
Sometimes I think you like to play with us. Your first stanza “hangs†much as the “Spanish mossâ€. Your comparison “Moments†and “Spanish moss-like†is a recognizable image for any who have stood in the love and/or shock of love and lost love. “In no breeze†does little to add to the verse unless you point is that change is has not occurred and the situation is stable, as it were. I think though it does not detract image wise, it does get in the way.
“To stir gentlenessâ€, with regard to “Moments†is an agreement of text. They amplify each other.
Your stanza two is passive aggressive. “Sweet eyes looking down†– as one does when feeling guilty or uncomfortable about something, lends into the final line. You point of not knowing how to break the news “knowing nothing to say†is well taken. Your line “darting here, there†in my opinion should be line two, with “knowing nothing to say†(not knowing what to say) as line three.
Stanza three is a powerful image. I like it.
The last line has go/me juxtaposed. It is a good line (an obvious ending does not make a bad ending) if they are rearranged.
Sir, I would say; an interesting classroom exercise piece. It has potential, but lacks the JCH pizzazz.