This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-06-16 16:21:40 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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For You I Waited I waited
in the grass,
and spied moonlight
ooze in a
marbled sky of
bice and bone.
I waited
beside the lake,
till dawn
cast a shroud
of chilled mist
that kissed
indifferent water.
For you I waited
I waited
along the shoreline,
and watched the
sun sear the
sea in hues
of heliotrope
and carnelian.
I waited
in the stillness
and the din.
I waited in
the yesterday
and all tomorrows.
In wind
I hear
your voice,
in fog
I feel
your breath.
And still I wait. |
|
Copyright © June 2005 marilyn terwilleger
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-07-04 08:20:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86538
Marilyn:
This is such a poignant poem. It is so pictorial, and evocative, of every
feeling that passes between lovers, especially those separated by time
and mortality. You show the eternal bond between those who are
truly ‘as one’ in soul, but no longer in body. You express as a poet
and one in mourning. Your soul’s ears are listening for his voice,
and so you tune your readers’ ears as well, to listen for the subtle
sound of beloved others who have gone ahead of us.
I waited
in the grass,
and spied moonlight
ooze in a
marbled sky of
bice and bone.
The moonlight here almost takes on a deathly glow. Instead of
inspiring lovers to kiss, it gleams “ooze” and the sky takes on
the appearance of “bice and bone.” Remarkably affecting.
I waited
beside the lake,
till dawn
cast a shroud
of chilled mist
that kissed
indifferent water.
And the all-night waiting. We know that night is the hardest time in grief.
It seems to pass second by second, “till dawn.” The “shroud” of “chilled
mist” is funereal. The kiss it gives to “indifferent water” is bereft of
passion’s warmth.
For you I waited
I waited
along the shoreline,
and watched the
sun sear the
sea in hues
of heliotrope
and carnelian.
Here is where the poem turns. The speaker sees the surreal colors visible
to lovers. Things are intensified, you show, when we love. You take in
the sunrise as an embrace from the missing beloved. The colors you
use are ecstatic.
I waited
in the stillness
and the din.
I waited in
the yesterday
and all tomorrows.
This is the most moving stanza in a poem that is filled with heart-startling ones.
The waiting takes up all time. Projects ahead into the future. This is exquisite
writing, Marilyn. I am spent.
In wind
I hear
your voice,
in fog
I feel
your breath.
And still I wait.
You show us the beloved as present, ethereally. In yourself, as your perceptions
are keenly attuned. You hear his voice and feel his breath. And he stands nearby,
placing his arms around you, urging your patience, wanting your happiness. I am
so moved by this poem that I cannot say more.
Long-stemmed pink roses extended. Brava! As tender and moving a poem as I
have ever read.
My best always,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-06-23 19:52:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn,
You wait and wait for him to 'be' again...in the grass, by the water, in the 'stillness [he comes/on the wind.
in the fog.... Like unrequited love. I've never thought of it that way.
Unrequited always meant you loved/they didn't.
But when your amore 'was', and now is gone, my God how horribly tortuous it would be.
And it doesn't end!
And you wait!
How tough is that?
Good poem Marilyn, your true feelings fell out on the page
and I felt it.
You did everything right.......[your best!]
hugs to you,
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2005-06-22 16:43:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Marilyn,
What great images here. The poem flows well and I was whisked away with your words. Are you still waiting? There is a melancholy tone here, and I wonder who you wait for...a lover perhaps, yes, it seems as you feel their breath and hear their voice. I love the vivid colors you have painted this picture for us in and look forward to reading more of your great works. Thank you for the honor of reading this one.
MAndie
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-06-22 16:17:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.48837
Marilyn,
This was a very enjoyable read, mysterious, vibrant with color, illusive almost as if I could reach out and touch the "watcher" but then with a touch the being would evaporate. This touched me in the way a "dream walk" does... it is all right there just for the reaching out, are there no takers- hmmm, just a thought. That which you are still waiting for is right there, just a few more deep breaths.....hold on.
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-06-19 13:57:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92683
As mama once told me, when you have already had the best why look elsewhere......it seems to me poet that the love you shared with your husband went beyond such a love, you found what most seek their entire life, true love and it was taken away in the blink of an eye......For you I waited.........the title tells it all poet, it brings forth in the structure and word flow the emotions and feelings associated with this person and I know your soul waits for the day you are reunited again........these places you mention as waited for......did you spend time with the other person during his lifetime there......just wondered, for to me it would be possible to not only feel his presence there but perhaps catch a glimpse of him as well and then you would truely know and feel that he is okay and then you might be able to let him go till you meet again........mama and daddy were separated forty one years........a lifetime in itself....thanks for posting and sharing, enjoyed the read very much, enjoyed the thoughts and feelings felt with it and the images too. God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2005-06-17 09:20:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Wow - what a great poem! This is imaginative- filled with fresh images and
flows well. Congratulations
For You I Waited [this title does not promise much and the reversal
seems forced - it detracts reather than adds to the poem]
I waited
in the grass,
and spied moonlight
ooze in a
marbled sky of
bice and bone.
WOW fantastic image - ooze is an amazing verb for this scene. [what's bice?]
I waited
beside the lake,
till dawn
cast a shroud
of chilled mist
that kissed
indifferent water.
what luscious alliverative language!
For you I waited
["I waited for you" - would be softer and more natural I think
I waited
along the shoreline,
and watched the
sun sear the
sea in hues
of heliotrope
and carnelian.
yes yes yes!
I waited
in the stillness
and the din.
line break
I waited in
the yesterday
and all tomorrows.
great leap into metaphor
In wind
I hear
your voice,
in fog
I feel
your breath.
And still I wait
good ending
This Poem was Critiqued By: Duane J Jackson On Date: 2005-06-17 09:15:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95000
Hi Marilyn,
The endless wait - a tantalising game played by love to tease us, to test us or simply to reject us. I'm confident that there are hundreds (if not millions) of those in this world who have had to endure 'forever' to finally achieve their heart's desires, their lovers.
'For you I waited', speaks of one such wait; a freezing in time; a confrontation between hopelessness and a flaming heart. This could also have to do with the memory of your husband and your eagerness to re-unite with him somehow or to make a connection with him beyond death.
The imagery employed in this piece is rich and carries the emotion forward while engaging the reader - 'marble sky of bice and bone'----love the coloration here and the richness in choice of words; indifferent water ----a still lake perhaps, unperturbed by the coat of mist; 'sun sear the sea in hues of heliotrope and carnelian'---- exquisite!! the purplish shades of heliotrope with the reddish-brown shades of carnelian, makes this colorful scene come alive with the image of the poet cutting a solitary figure in the sunset--
'I waited in the yesterday and all tomorrows'---this speaks of endurance and dedication; of unfounded love.
The poet ends on a note of no respite. The lover's voice is heard in the wind and felt in the breath of the fog...and the wait continues.
Wonderfully written, especially verse 1, 2 and 3 where the imagery reaches a peak of brilliance.
Take Care,
Duane.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2005-06-17 08:07:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Marilyn,
Wow, the first impression at reading this is the gorgeous descriptions that put
fine imagry in the forefront of the readers mind. I could laze away the day
reading just this piece and savoring these images.
The first three stanzas present images that linger and hypnotize. I want to be there
waiting too. For me this piece is a symbol of the love
you have for a certain someone who left this world too early as the really good always
seem to do. But also I see in this poem the love of the Creator of all these beautiful
scenes in nature. And ohhhhh, you describe them in such a way, that I can hardly contain
my glee!!!! So while your sentiments might be of a longing and forfeiture, I can see that
that there is much much more there then meets the eye.
The image of "moonlight ooze in a marbled sky of bice and bone" makes my heart soar among the
clouds! And the euphony of spied/moonlight/sky/bice sends me higher!
And then "chilled mist that kissed indifferent water". How magical this image feels!
And your internal rhyme is wonderful with mist/kissed. But it seems you're saying more
here, like, "I got the message, the world goes on even though you're not here."
The bigger picture, that in the grand scheme of things you are a speck, comes to mind.
And that makes me think of the Creator again with His hand on all of us, leading us on.
But then you blow me away with: "I waited along the shoreline, and watched the sun sear the
sea in hues of heliotrope and carnelian." Ohh how you paint the love of my life! Your
linguistics are heavenly!
Sometimes the wait can seem so long, can't it? an eternity...
I feel your pain here: "I waited in the stillness and the din. I waited in the yesterday
and all tomorrows."
"In wind
I hear
your voice,
in fog
I feel
your breath."
Beautiful and profound!
The ending tells the reader you don't care how long it takes, it feels like eternity but
still you are waiting.
Thank you for sharing your soul on this one.
Nice writing!
Blessings,
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-06-16 17:56:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.27273
This is a lovely lonely story of one who waits. Is she (you)waiting by the sea for her man to
come home with the catch? No sign of storm on the horizon so maybe the catch is too good to
come home.You sent me to my dictionary once again for the word bice. Never heard of it before.
So, the colours you have painted make a loverly canvas indeed. Bice, as my dictionary says, can
be either green or blue and I like the way you oozed the moonlight through, like the paints from
your paint tubes oozing onto the canvas. And then you mixes in the heliotrope and carnelian to add
a dash more colour...since you were feeling blue waiting. And then the wind and the fog that
breathes his voice and breath. Ahh yes. Wait my dear. Wait.
P.S. I think I would make one small correction suggestion, e.g.:
I waited
in the grass,
and spied moonlight
ooze in a........................."ooze into a..."
marbled sky of
bice and bone.
Trusting that you will not have to wait to much longer, I remain,
Arnie
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