This Poem was Submitted By: Jesus Manuel Lopez On Date: 2005-06-16 09:09:07 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Abyss
Ignoring Nietzsche
I brazenly gazed
with addled eyes
and finely fractured faith
into the abyss
the abyss
stared back
at me
in me
chilling me
exposing me
We stared
at each other
with a deep understanding
that barely scratched
the brambly surface
of Russell's secret
of happiness
that the world is
horrible
horrible
horrible
Then
for a split-second
Schopenhauer's observation
that after your death
you will be
what you were
before your birth
answered all
and none
of my questions
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Copyright © June 2005 Jesus Manuel Lopez
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-06-25 17:31:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jesus,
The abyss of the hereafter. Each say it's their way. I think personally it's my way!
I think in each core of each person, that their answer is there!
If they could learn to listeen they wuld have peace.
I liked this piece because;
1. I is the age old question, what's there when we die? Always good to ponder.
2. It was interesting looking up reasearching Nietzsche, Russell, and Schopenhauer.
3. I thought your piece 'good'.
4. good easy reading form.
5. Good title.
6. very good ending.
7. nice font
I think only one glitch;
l. the abyss stared back at me in me [maybe lead into 'in me'][maybe joining me instead?]
chilling me exposing me
[personally]
I really don't like the word addled.......
I know it works ok, it just feels like somones 'stupid' [to me] instead of just confused.
Most enjoyable, deep thinking,
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: charles r pitts On Date: 2005-06-22 14:47:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
this stunning piece oozes of the melancholia, shameful reluctance, and repressed conviction and pity of one who has crossed over into a beyond foreign to most, and who now tries to relate the experience to a world of skeptics waiting to ridicule and eviscerate.
brazen gazes, addled eyes, fractured faiths and glimpses of the true guise of this horrible earth are wonderfully explicit and anonymous at once. one of my favorite submissions this month. wonderfully veiled, sinister language.
beautifully wicked
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lora Silvey On Date: 2005-06-21 16:53:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.44444
Jesus,
Well structured, flowing each thought into the next, while a very heavy work; an easy one to read. Introspection offers so much and at the same time often not enough offering up more questions. It is a difficult task to look so directly into one's self and to lay your soul bare even if it is only to yourself.. yes often for just the briefest of moments we glimpse the answers and they are gone and then we tend to even question the answers. You really set the mind to working with this offering, thank you and bless you for sharing such a work with us.
Lora
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-06-21 11:23:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jesus:
What a welcome treat to see another of your poems, once again!
I hope I can do it justice in these remarks.
Ignoring Nietzsche
I brazenly gazed
with addled eyes
and finely fractured faith
into the abyss
Your poetics are fine-tuned here. In the tripled fricative z’s in “Nietzche/brazenly/gazed”
for example. And “finely/fractured/faith” as well. So, the existentialist void, the “abyss”
draws the speaker’s ‘brazen gaze’ and it returns his stare. This seems to me to be a
frightening possibility, but not one that I can identify in my personal experiences.
Nonetheless, I have known and know a number of individuals with this philosophy,
living and dead. It is a deeply chilling thought.
“We stared
at each other”
It’s easy for me to get de-railed here, if you will, at this moment of encounter.
Humor along with this descent is palpable. At least to me, and I may be reading
things into this that you never intended to imply. That is the beauty of poetry,
IMO – it may supersede us. Takes over where we left off, if you will.
with a deep understanding
that barely scratched
the brambly surface
of Russell's secret
of happiness
that the world is
horrible
horrible
horrible
The repetition gives an emphasis that kind of cancels out the idea, makes it
absurd. Recognition of the ‘horribleness’ of the world cancels idealism
and thus disappointment. I love your word combinations of “barely scratched”
and “brambly surface” – textured writing! Scratchy. I’m not certain I catch
your meaning in the Russell reference. I am thinking of both Bertrand Russell
and David O. Russell. I recall the ‘existentialist detectives’ in “I Heart
Huckabees” as more quantum than existential. Please forgive my lack of
sophistication here. It has been a few years since college.
Then
for a split-second
Schopenhauer's observation
that after your death
you will be
what you were
before your birth
answered all
and none
of my questions
Schopenhauer’s rather severe views, with his prevalent ‘Weltanschauung’ leave
me hanging with nothing to hold on to. I don’t pretend to have much knowledge
of this school of thought. Probably closest would be some recent studies in
Buddhism. (I have an eclectic mix of studies.) What occurs to me in the last
few lines of your poem is that the speaker observes that we truly know nothing.
It’s a very scary idea for me to face head-on. But my sense is that you write
with utmost honesty. And that, too, is a scary idea! <smiling> What if you're
right?
Nevertheless, I really enjoyed the poem, and a chance to revisit some of
the philosophers and ideas from past explorations.
Thank you for this poem, and for your respect for your readers’ intelligence.
I hope I haven’t failed completely to catch your intent for the work.
My best to you,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mandie J Overocker On Date: 2005-06-19 17:41:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Jesus,
I love this poem. I wish I was more educated about the references you make, but the story came through clear to me. I was reminded of the deep abyss i feel inside myself. This poem flows nicely andconveys well the philosophical questions of life that we all grapple with. Thank you for posting this.
Mandie
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-06-18 07:56:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
Hi Jesus,
This is a well written and compelling poem which I have read several times to get the feel and the strength of the words. You a alluded to great philosophers here which I could not begin to quote, but you have done a masterful job of using them here. I like the notion of you confronting the abyss....'with fractured faith' is a wonderful line to express feelings of doubt. We all have them even though we find it difficult to admit that....'the abyss stared back at me, in me, chilling me, exposing me'...here I feel the poet's uncertainity, fear of finding the truth, and why he has lost some of this faith...that is scarey...I have been there. In stanza 4 the words that the earth is horrible, horrible, horrible, shocked me when I first read it...so I pondered it for awhile. There are many horrible parts of the earth...wars, hunger, death, insanity,lies, trickery, and the list goes on. In this time I think our part of the world is experiencing these horrors more than we ever have due to killing and lies and where will it end? Does only God know? The question 'where will we go when we die?' If it is the same as before birth then there is nothing, no memory, no heaven, no hell. So where does that leave us? I suppose it just leaves us here, until we die, with no answers to our questions. Such a profound poem and one that makes me think till my brain cells rebel! Very well done...kudos!
Peace....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2005-06-17 19:48:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Jesus,
Ignoring Nietzsche [I like this intro; very effective way to inform the reader that you are seeking spiritual satisfaction/transformation/foundation, as Nietzsche, himself, criticized 'religion' and its concepts]
I brazenly gazed
with addled eyes [I like the juxtaposition here of brazenly gazed, and addled eyes...strongly, glaringly looking at something with eyes that have become confused [thus you search for answers] and/or rotten [addled: to become confused, or to become rotten]
and finely fractured faith [yes, here it is, the faith that you somehow seek to find again, as you once had it, but now have doubts...nice alliteration used here...the use of 'f' brings the allusion of something fragile to mind for this reader]
into the abyss [the dark void that you seem so alarmingly close to the precipice of]
the abyss [interesting word, abyss:'the bottomless gulf, pit or chaos of the old cosmogonies [theory of the origin of the universe or creation or origin of the world/universe]'...you brazenly stare into the abyss and it stares back at you, as if it knows your innermost being, your purpose for life]
stared back
at me
in me
chilling me
exposing me [knows moreso than you]
We stared
at each other [I like this, as it creates a 'standoff' between you and the abyss, allowing the reader to realize how deep your search is and the depths of the abyss and its depth of knowledge. Also, the abyss could represent intellectual or moral depths, so a battle rages within you to find the answers]
with a deep understanding
that barely scratched
the brambly surface
of Russell's secret [I like the alliteration of the benign sound of 'b' and the sibliant sound of 's' used here; like a soft searching sound, if sound had a tone/pitch]...Ah, Russell, pessimist that he was; I once read that he is the most noted logician since Aristotle]
of happiness
that the world is
horrible
horrible
horrible [no happiness to be found, if you look at life according to his theory...I wonder if he developed a mathematical theory for that as well?]
Then
for a split-second
Schopenhauer's observation [now, you introduce Schopenhauer's theory that, being the pessimist that he was, 'we experience the world not as it really is, but only as we represent it to ourselves, and in that way, we change it'...if you believe his theory, then there are really no answers to those questions you pose in your quest, only the world as you percieve it to be and that one's will can never truly be satisfied]
that after your death
you will be
what you were
before your birth [but what it that? no answeres found here today, are there?]
answered all
and none
of my questions [Jesus, you alluded to the theories of three great philosophers here, and are still left with no answeres, only questions; perhaps we will never know until after our deaths, right?]
I enjoyed your confrontation with the abyss, and I, like you, don't have the answers; for now, I suppose we should just enjoy our journey...like, Schopenhauer, I tend to think that we experience the world as we represent it to purselves.
Thanks for the enjoyable read,
very thought provoking,
Beck
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