This Poem was Submitted By: Edwin John Krizek On Date: 2004-08-17 23:03:28 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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First Visit

I am happy now, or so it seems. I grew up with the hippie generation;  peace and love and all that. My father, a conservative man,  didn’t like the Beatles or the long hairs. “They sound all right for a barber shop quartet,  but I don’t get all this yeah, yeah, yeah stuff.” My father was a disturbed construction worker,  who once chase a general contractor  around his desk to get the money he was owed,  and who covered the worn balls of his fingers  with adhesive tape so that he could lay cinder block  in the winter’s rain, and who fell to his death  from a ten foot high scaffold, down a fifteen foot hole  to the building’s cellar and broke his neck when I was a teenager, gave me a good start in life. I pissed it away. But I am happy now.   I survived terrible break ups, and lost loves,  and dope, and sport fucking to move into my comfortable home in suburbia. Oh I still remember the party nights with the beer, tequila and pot.   I remember dropping acid and watching the Mothers of Invention give a concert and coming up with an explanation of how the group got its name. I am happy now. All those bong hits and psychedelic sojourns didn’t hurt me,  not really.  You see, doc, it’s just that I have this pain  in my gut that never really goes away  and I can’t stop smoking cigarettes,  and I have these nightmares, I can’t sleep, and sometimes  I think people are speaking in code.    Oh yeah, I’ve had all the tests.   There is nothing medically wrong with me, so my guy told me to talk to you.  I’m sorry to take up your time. I’m sure you know people crazier than me. Don’t you? Don’t You? DON’T YOU!?

Copyright © August 2004 Edwin John Krizek

Additional Notes:
This is meant to be a sort of narative.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-09-06 10:03:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Whew! The speaker's constant reassurance that he's happy is the clue to a state of increasing chaos. This narrative offers such a vivid sense of place - and time, because in those days place WAS time. I've know way too many people like this guy. But imbalances come from many sources and I'd say the father kicked in his contribution. My father was a disturbed construction worker, [disturbed from the son's POV, and maybe in reality too] who once chase[d] a general contractor around his desk to get the money he was owed, and who covered the worn balls of his fingers with adhesive tape so that he could lay cinder block [what a striking, bleak image!] in the winter’s rain, and who fell to his death from a ten foot high scaffold, down a fifteen foot hole to the building’s cellar and broke his neck when I was a teenager,[;] gave me a good start in life. [interesting irony here!] The father's personality is made remarkably clear in these few lines. He has an aggression that the son may have inherited, but it is used for a purpose. He's grim, gutsy, and doomed never to rest from his harsh labors. The son's rebellion against such a life is understandable. In S2, that "good start in life" doesn't pan out, but it's the speaker's personal choice that deflects it. Again, I knew too many of these people. For awhile, I was sort-of one myself. The ending is appropriately frightening as control slips and slips. In S4 the mental instability is revealed like crumbling brickwork. The insanity is made manifest, and the reader reacts with a gasp. The poem ends on a note of menace. Now, unfortunately, there's another person involved, so the possibilities extend to and threaten his safety. It's not just the psychotic ex-hippie anymore. This could stand as a metaphor for the whole turbulent period through which the speaker manages to survive, although not without damage. So, I think, did many others. The wounds are invisible in our youth because we have the physical stamina to mask them. Now that we're older and more physically unfit, the cracks widen. "What ye reap, so shall ye sow." Probably that has a lot of truth! You pulled me right into the narrative and that's the first thing I always want to happen when I read this sort of poetry. It's a strong and realistic story, right to the end. Brenda


This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-09-01 22:45:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Dear Edwin, This was a good read. There are so many mechanisms, events, tragedies etc. that make up one persons life and at best we're all tested beyond our limits, and our limitations are defined by us questioning ourselves, our ideas, reactions, comments to the point that self analysis could really be destructive. I love the descriptive story in this poem, and I had a good picture of the whole piece unfolding before me. I can't sleep and sometimes I think people are speaking in code, (Were you standing next to foreigners? - just kidding) but I can relate to that idea, good line. There isn't anything I would do to change this, slight typo noted - father chased a general is what you probably meant to type. It brings the reader back to the 60's era - and definitely left an impact on me. Good luck. Sincerely, DeniMari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Gerard A Geiger On Date: 2004-08-30 12:50:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hey EJK, Sorry about your pathos in this poem. I've got to tell you that I really like your delivery...I know you think its narrative....but on the whole this "story" of a first visit to a psychiatrist/psychologist/counselor is chock full of your own local color...past history and foibles.. and tragedy. .and is quite entertaining. I especially like your ending where you ask the "Doctor" to affirm your hope that he has met people more crazy than you... I like this work and it could apply to all of us. Thanks for this honest piece. Gerard
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-08-25 16:22:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
As one who has gone through some of the stuff you mention here, and went on to become a Psychiatric Nurse, I must commend you on your openess, and clarity and revealing some of your inner psyche. I'm not familiar with the term "sport fucking." Perhaps it has a regional conotation.There is a typo on line 9, chase s/b chased. I hope the ending is a happier one here although it takes more than one visit to the shrink. For "sort of a narative you did alright by me. Thanks for posting.
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-08-19 15:21:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Ed, Well it is..sort of a narative. I can't tell if you speak of yourself or if your are very close to someone who has related their story to you..but that doesn't matter. What matters is how you have told this story and the impact it makes on the reader..it did that for me. It is written just like the poet is speaking personally to the reader..I got the sense immediately that the poet was talking in a conversational tone to someone and when you said 'doc' in the 3rd stanza it became very clear to me and when I finished reading it I read it again fully understanding the insecurity of the poet. He is looking for approval..not wanting to have anything wrong with his mind..especially since it may be self induced with the drug and alcohol use in his younger years. I have worked in the medical profession for many, many, years and have heard similar stories and have witnessed the anguish they inflict not only on the 'doer' but also their family and friends. If you speak of your own past I applaude you for writing about it..which can be very cathartic and if you write of someone else you have done a supberb job! The end of the poem is very revealing...'I'm sure you know people crazier than me..don't you..don't you..DON'T YOU?' The last words are literaly being shouted at the doctor...excellent! Some will say you could tighten this up a bit but in my estimation I would leave it just as is because it is real just as a conversation between patient and doctor should be. Kudos...write more! Peace...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-08-19 09:25:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.14286
Ed, Gee, your really have great potential in this poem. I love the voice. It needs rewriting, editing, cutting. It would take me an hour or two, time i don't have. You're on your own. As we all are. But this one really has the potential to be something good. And . . . it's nice to get a sense of who you are. Thanks. Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-08-18 18:03:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Wow John talk about navvatives, it is, it is, it is. With one thing missing, in order to write like this you had to experience, so, saying that it meets the critera. However, Happy is a relative term in this case, you spend a great deal of energy convincing yourself, one part missing, are you really. No, not crazy, maybe ducking the issue, but ont crazy. Sure like the way you presented this, but especially taken with the last three lines. Looking for affirmation, for some to tell you your arn't crazy. Great emphasis where there should be, neat layout brings home your emphasis. Yes, you wrote convincingly, and took my interest. Glad I've been able to comment, impressive!! Joanne Morgan (First entry of yours I've commented on, let the opportunity to welcome you aboard. The link won't hurt because of you, fresh, new, invigorating.) Best wishes, and keep writing, enjoyable. Jo Mo (Joanne Morgan)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-08-18 00:32:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Dear Edwin I am such a lazy reader, I don't always persist past the first couple of lines if they haven't grabbed me. But this did. In fact, it carried me along all to "I am happy now/All those bong hits" I can tell you the precise word where you lost me: "doc". Your narrative all the way is cleverly deceptive, considering the end you have in mind. But the stark imagery and nonchalant tone underlying the first few stanzas -- the world you very effectively create -- is I believe frittered away by the sudden desperately rising paranoia of "Don't you?/Don't You?/DON'T YOU?" I don't think it is consistent with the character that has brought us this far, he has far too much self-control, after all the years of doing his thing, to just unload all that "talking in code" and virtually "break down" on his first visit. No. I think that you have set up the poem for a much more powerful ending by keeping the tone more sedate, and the facts of his thinking people talk in code kept more subtle. Do you know what I mean? I mean, it is like those little stories about elves and fairies and travelling on a moonbeam that suddenly end "But they woke up and found it was only a dream!" ... that kind of ending always makes me feel ripped off. Why does it have to be a dream? Cant you leave me to decide whether it could or couldnt be real? I think the same thing applies with your piece here. It is like "And suddenly he told everyone 'I'm crazy'" It is too easy a way out. Let him be crazy, by all means, but let us draw that conclusion ourselves (with clear sign posts that we should), because it is more shocking to discover "Boy, that guy is crazy ... he seemed so normal..." than to just face the bald statement. Sorry for waffling on so much but I wanted to make sure I was being clear. I'd rather not give you just a one or two word platitude. Seriously, I liked this very much mostly because I found it very engaging, up to the points mentioned above. And engaging your audience is probably 90% of the battle. Best wishes Mark.
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