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This Poem was Submitted By: C Arrownut On Date: 2004-04-04 08:52:42 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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White, Fallow Worlds

Last night--beyond the control of science --the blizzard. At dawn, outside my townhouse, my haven snow a drift to five feet. Massive mounds covered cars, all glistened in the glare and angels of white linked all. Come afternoon, the whole neighborhood out shoveling together, piled flakes ten feet high on three sides of each car rebuilt the impenetrable walls between us. Seldom able to connect, islands circling the sun fated to twirl from conception through eternity. We only bond for fleeting moments, even then we recreate our white, fallow worlds.

Additional Notes:
This poem needs work, but I'm a little stymied on what to do. Help!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-05-04 13:28:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84615
Hi C, I like this poem alot! What it says is deep and meaningful and you say it in a way that sounds really nice with all your lovely alliteration. Beautiful! What I would do with this is restructure to promote flow, something like this: Last night beyond control of science came the blizzard At dawn outside the haven of my townhouse snow drifts to five feet Masive mounds cover cars glistening in the glare Angels of white link all Come afternoon the whole neighborhood out shoveling together pile flakes ten feet high on three sides of each car rebuilding the impenetrable walls between us Seldom able to connect islands circling the sun fated to twirl from conception to enternity We bond only for fleeting moments even then we recreate our white fallow world What do you think? Thanks for sharing this and I hope I haven't offended you by taking such liberties. Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-05-03 08:18:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45455
C What an insightful theme: a common problem faces us and our solution to it is only to reinforce the distances that a common problem could have been the catalyst to dissolve. I'm not sure I can offer suggestions for improvement, not because I think it is perfect but because you may be looking at a more major rewrite that really needs to come from you. Again, this is not because it is intrinsically lacking --- you have chosen a brilliant theme -- but you need to feel more satisfied with it, by the sounds of it. Personally, however, think you have done a fine job so far. "angels of white" seemed a touch out of place ... but everything else seemed real and concrete ... ... and suitably melancholic for the modern malaise of human community. Best wishes Mark

This Poem was Critiqued By: zen sutherland On Date: 2004-04-15 20:59:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Hi, Condense. Economize. I think we poets so love words we think our words are more pithy than they actually are (i know i'm guilty of that). You've led me - as the reader - faithfully down to the poem's conclusion, but maybe haven't considered each word in the light of that conclusion ("recreate our white, fallow worlds") The intent of the poem is (in my mind): 1) describe snow in a way that hints at how it isolates us despite us sharing the experience. 2) describe our general inability to connect to one another. 3) imply that even when we do connect we do so to rebuild the sterile world that separates us. Hmmm... now how to do that with what you've started? I've tried to cut it down while leaving your wonderful format of finishing the previous stanza's line with the first line of the next stanza - which you've used to great effect to transition ideas. a dawn snow converts neighborhood cars into massive mounds all glistening in the glare and white angels linked us all. by afternoon we're all shoveling ten feet high on three sides of each car rebuilding the impenetrable walls between us. Seldom able to connect, islands circling the sun we only bond for fleeting moments, even then we recreate our white, fallow worlds. Well, Ok, i didn't improve it; but maybe helps to see how you might economize and exactly detail what you're going to accomplish. LOL, i thought i could have been more help! keep tweaking it! zen

This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2004-04-13 13:12:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You've got a great start here. I like the direction this one is going in. You're right, it needs some work, but it's good, and worth revising until you get the 'aha' moment you're looking for. Only you can determine what that is, however. I would suggest a revision and an addition. I have inserted a few ideas throughout by copying the poem below and using brackets to show additions and deletions. I hope you can follow them, hope they're not unclear. Take them or leave them, I just went with a direction I might go with this one. Now, onto the deeper subject here. I like what you're touching on here, the fact that we all live right nearby, but we're content to be isolated, except when nature throws us something which forces us out of the shell. Okay, so go with that. I think you might have stopped short here. (So, maybe adding a stanza, or a few lines here and there?) We've all felt this before, but how can YOU say it better? What can you say about this that will make us all go, "wow, gee, I have thought about this before, but I haven't thought about THAT exactly...hmmm." That's the 'aha,' the leap, etc. Maybe brainstorm or cluster until you pull something out of your subconscious to get this one a level deeper. An excellent start, though, so keep fighting the good fight. I want to see this one finished! Once you do, please post it again and let me know. Hope this critique is more helpful than not. Thanks for sharing it with us. I've including my notes below. Warm Regards, Don _______________________________________________________________________________________________________ Last night[,] beyond the control of science[,]the blizzard. At dawn, outside my townhouse, my haven[,] snow [adrift] to five feet. Massive mounds covered[ing] cars, all glistened[ing] in the glare and angels of white linked all. [add space] Come afternoon, the whole neighborhood [out] shoveling together, piled flakes[new word here] ten feet high on three sides of each car rebuilt[delete space] the impenetrable walls [move this, lengthen line to same as above]between us. [add space] Seldom able to connect, islands circling the sun fated to twirl from conception through eternity. We only bond for fleeting moments, even then we recreate our white, fallow worlds.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-09 16:57:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84615
Dear CA, Hope I can help, but by no means would I write it for you. It was/is your life/world/environment/moment, etc. I'll give a few possibilities for your consideration. Last night--beyond the control of science - [I like this opener.] --the blizzard. At dawn, outside my townhouse, my haven[,] snow a drift to five feet. Massive mounds - ["a snowdrift of five feet - massive mounds"?] covered cars, all glistened in the glare - [covered cars; all glistened.../] and angels of white linked all. - [and like white angels, linked them all. Come afternoon, the whole neighborhood out shoveling together, piled flakes - [shoveled together, piling flakes/] ten feet high on three sides of each car - [maybe simply "...around the cars" (or "the white angels")] rebuilt - [and rebuilt, or a comma after car(s) or angels in the previous line?] the impenetrable walls between us. Seldom able to connect, islands circling the sun fated to twirl from conception through eternity. - [This is not a complete sentence, so I'd re-structure with possibly "are fated...".] We only bond for fleeting moments, even then we recreate our white, fallow worlds. - [Nice closing, I'd leave this.] This may be all wrong, but hope it gives some ideas, at least. Best wishes for happiness and peace. Wayne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-04-08 14:16:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
C.A.: I really like your theme here and find the poem deserving of survival with whatever minor changes are suggested and you find appealing. Your title is "okay", repeated in your ending but I think you might do better. I like the notion of "White Spaces" or "City Fences" or something along those lines. "Last night, beyond the control of science, a blizzard. At dawn, outside my town house, my snow haven a drift of five feet. Massive mounds, covered cars, all glistened in the glare" I don't think you need the dramatic punctuation to tell us a blizzard occurred. I would juxtapose haven/snow for clarity. You have sparkling alliteration with massive/mounds, covered/cars and glistened/glare. Your interjection of "beyond the control of science" suggests people who lead very controlled lives. As your poem continues, you add the notion of our being more robotic than human in our high-tech world; no notion of neighborhood nor togetherness. "and angels of white linked all. (Come)Afternoon, the whole neighborhood out shoveling together in tandem relativity, piled snow ten feet high on three sides of each car, rebuilt" I especially like "angels of white linked us", giving the blizzard/snow an empyrean essence and that it takes an act of God to join people. Your snow clearance event momentarily unites people but as they clear, they rebuild their walls, keeping them separate. "the impenetrable walls between us. Seldom able to connect, islands circling the sun ...I would prefer "satellite" unless you're making the no-man-is-an-island reference fated to twirl from conception through eternity. We only bond for fleeting moments (even) then recreate our white, fallow worlds." Quite a strong poem, IMO. You make all the points needed to demonstrate how the city dweller (especially) has isolated himself. How do we greet each other and communicate when we are all talking on cell phones? We lead highly structured, stressful lives, hurrying to work in a crowded train or a traffic jam. Since the economy has faltered, we do twice the work to maintain our jobs. Who has time to get acquainted or know their neighbors? "Fallow" is the quintessential word for the quality of most of our lives today. The seed that falls on fallow ground...remember that phrase from the bible? I've offered a few tiny changes as I'm sure others will but whatever, as is, your poem demands to be heard because of the impotance of its theme. Very deftly executed. I quite enjoyed reading this a number of times and it held up after repeated perusals. Kudos. Best wishes, Mell

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-04-05 14:06:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Last night--beyond the control of science the blizzard hovered like a ghost. At dawn, outside my townhouse, my haven, snow drifted to five feet, massive mounds covered cars, a-glistening in the glare and angels of white, linked, all. Come afternoon, the whole neighborhood shoveling out, together, piling flakes ten feet high on three sides of each car and the impenetrable walls between us up-went. Seldom able to connect, islands 'neath the sun fated to twirl from conception through eternity. We only bond for fleeting moments, even then we re-plow our white, fallow fields of oblivion. just some thoughts to play with tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lynda G Smith On Date: 2004-04-04 12:43:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi C. As a teacher of art for many years, I have learned that the best way to release creativity is to not tell someone what to do to solve their problem(even if I could), but to ask questions that might allow the answers which are in your mind to bubble up to the surface. This is your poem and you are the executive creator and director. So ... I will try to couch my observations with some questions for you to add to your already stormy brew*grin. As a lover of cosmology and astronomy, I think of science as principly a factual study. 'The facts ma'm, nothing but the facts!' You have teased us with a mystery.." 'something' beyond the control of science " These are hard edged words in the first stanza and then you introduce a metaphore of angels. You have a picture in your mind... very descriptive. Is there a way that you could tie these hard-edged words into your metaphore? This might help with the unity, and create flow. I am a great lover of the work of Emily Carr, a Canadian painter from British Columbia around the time of the Group of Seven. What many people don't know was that she was a superb writer, winning some of the top awards in the Canadian literary world. One of the things that she said about her writing, was how hard it was to look at a line or an idea, wonderfully written and know that it needed to be put to her surgeons knife because it affected the health of the whole. Is there something here that needs to come under the knife??? Are flakes impenetrable... yes. given 10 feet... Hey, I've shovelled loads myself... easier than manure, but again... Is there a way to tie this image into a common metaphore? I love the title... 'White fallow worlds'... So expressive! So immediately explanatory. Thinking out loud...Fallow in this instance, characterized by inactivity? a world ploughed but unseeded? purpose... to eradicate weeds/... conditions of barreness, lack of color, idle, unprepared? This certainly ties into the insular image in the last stanza, but is there a way to unite it to your metaphore of angels?? In good science, questions usually give rise to more questions... and then as what you know reveals itself, the conclusions are made. Some poems demand to be written... I read that somewhere and it stuck in my feeble brain. Some have to be taken apart, and put back together. I hope this helps. There is a very special idea in this poem and one worthy of the effort you are putting into it! with smiles and anticipation. Lynda

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