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Dark Night Under Moonlight Bang! The bullet shattered pierced through her heart while the rest of the world heard the sound as if a silencer was on the gun from tongues before anyone had time to think. In seconds monstrous demons plagued the air she tried to breathe in all the while her world paled to a faint of reality eyes could only stare. Seemingly there but entranced in desire so great she wanted to tear down "Heaven’s" gate gather her loss home safely to hide inside fearing pain stolen from her saddened name. Seconds slowly ticking away such an unending distressing night. Still mars the world of colors to black and white. |
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2012-01-07 10:31:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
Deni, it is a powerful piece, and I assume it is not a personal encounter, but rather a news story gone poetic. There is also the possibility, knowing sadness that this is a metaphor for a sudden loss, of lost love.
The form brings about the goal, that of caring and loss. Such loss, as you show; continues long after the actual event. the "seconds ticking away"- it reminds me of a sermon from my pastor whose son was killed in a car accident- what I recall of the sermon is his reiteration of "another minute to eternity".
I believe your phrasing and word choice are easy to read and easy to digest which makes the entire piece more powerful for the subject.
In the needs of the metaphor, much the same remains. The difference being that I can see the soul, beyond the words they symbolize.