This Poem was Submitted By: James C. Horak On Date: 2010-03-10 23:24:40 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Enter Out Is a beginning, is an end required?...
some bottom line summing nothing
To make idea of travel something sublime
Where nothing can stand in the sun
when a man bent with time wants
The rest bent in mind to be no better
A stone owl to disavow kindness
shattering hope to lusts for the few
Where maidens are torn by dogs for sport
Secrets to be torn inside out, worlds
alike in living death to propel a lie
Thought to manifest with horror.
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Copyright © March 2010 James C. Horak
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2010-04-03 18:27:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
James,
I think there must be a beginning and also an end. My brain can fathom no less.
man bent with time wants
The rest bent in mind to be no better [let's me ponder!]
Secrets to be torn inside out, worlds
alike in living death to propel a lie
Thought to manifest with horror. Sounds like whats going on now. Manifesting horror.
Interesting write.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2010-03-30 21:28:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
The reason for a beginning or end? I presume there is a dog chasing his tail to this piece, where favor or disfavor is born of the same fount.
Being a man bent with time, I think, rest sounds very good; symbolic respite is as bad as no rest at all.
“In Living death†, the burden of lies? Is the horror due to no place to escape the cycle?
A very interesting read. It does escape me a bit, but that is as it always is.
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2010-03-16 12:42:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Excellent write JC. I love your 3rd verse making ref to the new morality on men/women relationships - it's more a one night stand for any generation now, the respect is gone, the chase is over, the winning of one love isn't even in the contest anymore. Good job with that.
Stone owl, poetic entrance to the verse.
The questions that start this piece are interesting, I've no answer but it is thought provoking. "Bottom line", is being said, not written more & more, no one wants to listen, just the facts so they can move to the next thing that has to be done. No personal interaction required, hurry up and wait.
Your ending is good, but I'm wondering if you are saying - "Secrets should be kept", or "Tell the truth and set your soul free", and some secrets are best left private for they do tear lives apart.
Can I vote for this, I'm voting for this,
blessings,
Deni
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2010-03-11 18:26:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I would use some punctuation inside the poem just to help guide the thought-flow.
Is a beginning [or] an end required?
some bottom line sum[] [means? is?] nothing
To make [] travel some [] sublime idea;
Where nothing can stand in the sun;
when a man bent with time wants
The rest bent in mind to be no better;
A stone owl [] disavows kindness
shattering hope [??] lusts for the few [is lust the derivative of the shattered hope?]
Where maidens are torn by dogs for sport
Secrets to be [b]orn inside out, worlds
alike in living death to propel a lie;
Thought to manifest [as] horror.
I'm struggling with the ending:
"[Secrets to be torn inside out,] [worlds/alike in living death to propel a lie]/ Thought to manifest with horror."
vs.
...propel a lie;/ Thought (as compared and in contrast to, Secrets?) to manifest with [as?] horror."
Perhaps a comment would clear it up. If not, a re-work may be needed to get the jello to gel.
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