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My Tribute To Dave Grateful to another year geared to leave behind memories to be left around the dark doors in my mind I was chasing arced rainbows slipped delicately on dreams I imagined mine Career – A new love, A miracle building my heart was light Then plague a burning rash formed between nights of dreams both were slashed from my sight Spent of shine if beauty travels with time all of God is flawless beauty Disdain mirrored my view clutching wounds of pain Where softest inner secrets layer all pure protection sheltered me from this dangerous fall |
Additional Notes:
Needs work, needs help - so help, lol
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dan D Lavigne On Date: 2010-01-03 11:21:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Grateful to another year
geared to leave behind
memories to be left around
the dark doors in my mind
I was chasing arced rainbows
slipped delicately on dreams I imagined mine
Career – A new love,
Deni,
First let me say that any work from the heart is sacred and right. I used to shy from poem submissions where the poet asked for help, because, I mean who am I to reach what you are striving for with your words. But I will give'er a go.
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Grateful to another year
geared to leave behind
memories to be left around
the dark doors in my mind
I like this. It starts of gratitude then takes a dark turn. One suggestion I would make would be something like,
Grateful to another year
geared to leave behind
memories left around
the darkened corners of my mind
=====================================
I was chasing arced rainbows
slipped delicately on dreams I imagined mine
This is a hard one. It seems incomplete. Not sure what I would do to fix it. The only suggestion I can find here is only partial. I would change arced to faded. Not sure what to do for the second line though.
=====================================
Career – A new love,
A miracle building
my heart was light
I like this, it really captures the peaceful feeling of knowing it will work out.
=====================================
Then plague a burning rash formed
between nights of dreams
both were slashed from my sight
Again, this seems incomplete. I like what I think your getting at, but I think it needs another line to complete. Maybe rewording the first line and adding a forth would bring flow and completion to this stanza.
=====================================
Spent of shine
if beauty travels with time
all of God is flawless beauty
I like this, but would probably add something like, "in creation and design" as a forth line to round it out.
=====================================
Disdain mirrored my view
clutching wounds of pain
Alone I love this line, it the poem I find it awkward to fit and again, maybe incomplete for the poem as a whole but complete as a stand alone.
=====================================
Where softest inner secrets layer all
pure protection sheltered me
from this dangerous fall
This is nice, the only thing I would consider here is maybe changing softest to softer to help with flow.
I like the piece in all and would love to see it once you have fine tuned it to your liking.
Dan