This Poem was Submitted By: Mary J Coffman On Date: 2007-12-08 15:10:35 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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On White Winds of Winter...
I flee
into the cloud chamber
of a miasmal mind
like an aspen’s humeral veil
pulled snug around bare limbs
I shield myself from rueful shadows of ruse
where faces betray feeling
and caged tears ache
for reprieve
selfish in my suffering
held fast
in misery’s grievous grip
heart pounding
beneath scourged skin
seeking salvage
waiting
as the whiteout of winter’s breath
ablates my pain
then
( if only momentarily)
into this realm I stumble
with solitude my shepherd
and stillness my companion
I am rapt in a chancel of sacred space
riding paper snowflakes
on winds of waking dreams
wefting the smokewood of reason
while fairy swallows dance
upon pallid petals of heartsease
in vanillin mizzle’s brumous blind
at peace
at last
in the time
it took
a tear
to fall
~ |
|
Copyright © December 2007 Mary J Coffman
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2008-01-07 10:54:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Mary,
I enjoyed the easiness of the flow and the gentle way of moving the reader through this. My only recommendation on this well written piece is to remove some of the triple and quaddruple spaced lines.
Well done, Thomas
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-12-28 16:37:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Mary,
With dictionary in hand I waded through the brume.
I like your poem, your sorrow comes through, but I must be very lacking to need to look up
9-10 words.........
miasmal
humeral
rueful
ruse
ablates
[smokewood] not listed as a word
mizzle’s
brumous
Anyway, I'll chock it up to an educational journey.
Keep on.
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terry A On Date: 2007-12-24 02:27:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Mary,
Your imagery is breathtaking, unique and original. You are quite accomplished at showing inner states.
Two things though, I find the font you use distracting. For powerful words, the font is too wispy, yours suits invitations to weddings. (Am I being trivial? I hope not.) The words you use are not for the most part, especially in this poem, lightweight. A tear dropping is, arguably, a matter of high seriousness.
The second thing is that the poem needs more connection to be made with the readers. Establish a reason for caring, unless depicting depression was your only intention. You do it very well but your superb imagery needs to extend into the world wide world more in order to become more relevant to readers.
Merry Christmas to you and yours!
Terry
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2007-12-09 11:24:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Hi Mary....this is a fabulous write! Every line is precise and chosen with care...evey time I read one of your poems I think it better than the last....in other words I am stunned by your talent! This is so beautiful even though it is doleful and heart rendering. As I read it...more than once...I thought 'this is my favorite line'...then I would read it again and say 'no this is my favorite.' So as you can see I am helpless to chose one line or phrase over the other. A standing ovation...you may take sever bows for this one! No wonder you are number one...brava.
Blessings....Marilyn
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