This Poem was Submitted By: Rene L Bennett On Date: 2007-10-28 16:26:48 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Forget Me Not I cried a tear
Or two today
While I packed
Your things away
I carefully placed
Each piece in a box
As not to break
Forget me nots
Pictures we took
Memories we made
Side by side
Together they laid
I stood there for
A minute or two
Gently whispered
"I love you"
Then I placed the lid
On the box
As I promised
To forget you not
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Copyright © October 2007 Rene L Bennett
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2007-11-06 01:06:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70000
Rene,
I like your writings, your rhymes are good, content heart wrenching, you have the ability to pull the readers into your poem, dexperience your love and loss.....
But I think if you would shape/form/space it better it would be better to read, and be more drawing in of attention.
[A couplet consists of two rhyming lines, usually of ten syllables each]
I cried a tear or two today
While I packed your things away
I carefully placed each piece in a box
As not to break forget me nots
just my thought............
dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2007-11-04 16:09:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You COULD HAVE end this poem in a much more interesting and fun way -
thought you were going to stab him in the back -
instead you provide the Hallmark ending
and we're back to thinking about cleaning
the kitchen and making Thanksgiving lists.
Play with it. I like the way it sort of sing-song rhymes, lulls us -
Add a punchline. Change the entire meaning and give us something to smile about.
This is too "real."
We want something "un-real."
Think about it.
tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2007-10-30 00:30:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Rene,
Excellent write - sad sentiments simply stated in a good rhythmic flow. Less is more, in this write, because each line has enough imagery to get your thoughts across. Ultimately - a very difficult task - to take part of your life - and store it away. This I know for a fact - as I still have boxes of my sons things to go through.
I'm sorry for your loss - your poem touches the reader - in a deep meaningful way.
Good luck with this one,
sincerely,
Denimari
This Poem was Critiqued By: Paul H. Roefs On Date: 2007-10-29 20:19:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
Rene',
This reads was so wonderful, your words filled with meaning and love. The endearment
of times with those we love most are gently and lovingly placed in a resting aside to
be revisited from time to time. Those mementos that bring clarity to mind of a moments,
a places, or a visions to be remembered. I love this poem because it bring joy to me too,
whenever I revisit the loving memories of time past, reaffirming their immortality.
Best you for sharing your thoughts. With love, Paul
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2007-10-28 22:22:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90909
Rene this is lovely and filled with many emotions; images created with the flare of your pen, great rhyme which allows the entire piece to flow like a river........I enjoyed it from start to finish and I know how difficult it was for you to pen.........I do pray each day is a little easier for you and that those memories continue to help you heal from your deep losses........God Bless, Claire
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