This Poem was Submitted By: Kenneth R. Patton On Date: 2005-04-16 05:00:10 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Last Night I’ve been keeping last night
in my pocket
like a special beach stone
Now and then I feel it
My fingers tracing
a story in secret Braille
I’ve been tasting last night
Rich and sweet
like a chocolate truffle
Nibbling tiny bits
so it will last
I struggle not to gorge
I’ve been living last night
over and over
So it never will be
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Copyright © April 2005 Kenneth R. Patton
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-05-07 09:05:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.73077
Kenneth, I read this several times to approach it from different angles. You paint the picture of a night to recall, but one to forget.
I wanted to be sure I had a handle on the passions in this verse. As I write to it, I hope that I come close to the discovery you hold within it.
Last Night – Something happened, and we shall see the effects and permissions of that moment in life.
I’ve been keeping last night
in my pocket
like a special beach stone – The night is a magical talisman, that when kept near maintains a certain life of its own, speaking to the night, and what that night meant. The reader feels it is something special, something of a “good luck” charm.
Now and then I feel it
My fingers tracing
a story in secret Braille - I have often carried a special something in my pocket. In this case the “Braille” speaks of a story we don’t know, and yet the “thoughts and feeling” you have while rubbing the talisman are common themes, we feel we know that something special has/will occur.
I’ve been tasting last night
Rich and sweet
like a chocolate truffle – Last night was quite powerful. It is addicting (as chocolate is), and once it gets in your mouth, you need to refresh the moment. I wondered at your choosing “truffle”, which of course is a “loved treat” but which also is “fungus” (oddly a lot of people who love them do not know this), and as I saying, you chose “truffle” when that was unnecessary for the “chocolate treat”. There is a symbolism here that relates to your last line. Don’t know if you meant the analogy or not, of a good thing that is also a parasite, but it works well in your verse.
Nibbling tiny bits
so it will last
I struggle not to gorge – The night was “scrumptious” something that could overwhelm you if you took too much in at once. I recall a woman who ended our relationship by telling me that “I made her feel like a princess” and she thought that she would “get lost in the magic and lose her identity” if she stayed, ... but I digress (isn’t that just the most overused line in the English language... I digress... anyway)....
I’ve been living last night
over and over
So it never will be – Kenneth, we are still not sure what happened last night, but we know it was addictive, it was scrumptious, it was overpowering, and I feel, that there is a tremendous amount of “identity” risk, to continue.. whether one of loss or gain.
Excellent piece!!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wanda S. Thibodeaux On Date: 2005-05-04 21:18:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Kenneth,
This short, but well written piece says a lot. I can only hope you have had many nights
as memorable as this. Mellow and sweetly cheeky all the way to the last line, the perfect
Mother's Day Card. If not married, well, the choice is wild.
I love the idea of "keeping last night in my pocket like a special beach stone." Each
verse is uniquely crafted to be interesting on its own. Of course, the last line gives it
away to be the true love poem that it is.
I really enjoy your work. I read every poem on the site and find yours always deserves
applause.
Here's mine!
Have a great week.
Best,
Wanda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-04-30 19:14:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.15789
Interesting piece, the ending lost me a little.
I think braille doesn't have to be caitalized.
Nice structure and flow.
Thanks for posting,
Audrey
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2005-04-26 17:35:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Wonderfully evocative and alive - this poem keeps us rivited to the page
Last Night
good solid title
I’ve been keeping last night
in my pocket
like a special beach stone
superb simile - draws us in
Now and then I feel it
My fingers tracing
a story in secret Braille
or perhaps:
my fingers tracing
a secret story
in Braille
I’ve been tasting last night
Rich and sweet
like a chocolate truffle
good as it engages our senses we taste and feel and hear this piece
Nibbling tiny bits
so it will last
I struggle not to gorge
ah, wonderful in its implications of savoring a time of
sweet delight
I’ve been living last night
over and over
So it never will be
So it will never be...over -- ah.... Intriging ending to a fine piece
best
Rachel
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2005-04-21 16:47:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.16667
Kenneth,
Poo, savoring, thinking, dwelling on something that will never be!
Thats unrequited if I ever wondered what it was... Misery, dreaming of so perfect an evening that will never happen.
I guess we've all done that. Dreaming of that which can't be, won't happen, not in the cards.
nada... It makes me sad over and over.
Your poem was titled right, clear to read. Good wording. And made a good but sad statement.
Poo, boo hoo.
I like the touch stone and rich chocolate tasting. [I do that!]
You did a really good job with a unique subject.
My best to you,
May your dreams come true...
Dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-04-17 10:17:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.45455
Kenneth,
As I read each stanza an excitement strarted to grow. Great imagery used in each to enhance the readers visual concept of what is next to come. I loved " My fingers tracing a story in secret Braille" ...makes me want to know the secret! Last night must have been pretty romantic when you decrib it as 'Rich and sweet'. THe intensity gets stronger as you describe 'nibbling tiny bits, so that it will last longer'. The las t stanza starts out following the poem, but then the last line makes me sad..."So it will never be" Are you trying to erase something that you want to forget? A very well written piece that leaves me hungry for more! Thanks for sharing this beautiful poem.
Helen
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-04-16 11:28:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ken:
Wow! This is a stunning poem. It is evidence of a maturing poetic voice. I missed
the leaps and bounds you've crossed to reach this point. I really love everything
about this poem. There is nothing not to love. It is subtle, has terrific sounds,
evokes strong emotions, and it allows me as a reader to reach into my fund of
experiences and stored memories and pull out my own "special beach stone." As
well, it reads aloud beautifully. I think that this poem is a striking example
of what happens when we write on the crest of emotion. Good poetry gets written.
It is in free verse style, with a simple, evocative title. It drew me in right
away, as I wondered what "Last Night" would reveal. I love poems about personal
experiences. Then, the simply formatted tercets, and finally the last line's
reference back the L2 of S5 simply left me feeling warm, joyful, replete. How
you accomplished this in a rather short poem is impressive. It is the authentic
voice and the sparseness of the work, along with your talent for imagery as
shown here, I believe, that makes this one of the most memorable poems I have
read in a long while here.
I’ve been keeping last night
in my pocket
like a special beach stone
The metaphor is captivating. I love "in my pocket" especially.
Now and then I feel it
My fingers tracing
a story in secret Braille --- WONDERFUL!
My favorite stanza, though they are all scrumptious
I’ve been tasting last night
Rich and sweet
like a chocolate truffle
Terrific assonance in "tracing/tasting"
"Nibbling tiny bits" --and again here, with the short and long 'i' sounds
so it "will" last
I struggle not to gorge --great use of 'g' which adds a very visceral feeling
I’ve been living last night
over and over
So it never will be
That last line just enthralls me all over again! Knowing when to stop is another
writing tool that you have employed expertly here. Not one more word is necessary.
You knew that.
Sigh ...
Applause!
Ken --- take a bow.
I believe you have a winner here, without doubt! And I hope that the experience
of 'last night' will be repeated for as long as you both want it to, including
forever.
My best always,
Joanne
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