Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

This Poem was Submitted By: Edwin John Krizek On Date: 2004-07-23 00:05:08 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!

Water Lilies

Can a camera capture the stillness of the morning air? Like flies striking glass we fight our way against the wall, while time and timelessness invade our spirits there. Standing on tiptoe, looking over the bushes, I don’t care, that green moss has grown soft in the brick lined mall. Can a camera capture the stillness of the morning air? I listen to my breath, as laughter washes away despair inspiring hope for man’s fight against his eternal squall, while time and timelessness invade our spirits there. A child’s voice asks, “What?” and older eyes stare at the shadows swimming ‘neath the black pool’s ghostly pall. Can a camera capture the stillness of the morning air? “Tadpoles are baby frogs,” his mother laughingly declares. Staring at the reflection her mind cannot recall why time and timelessness invade our spirits there. The pink and purple water lilies float like other floral fare. Mother and son rise slowly and amble to insect mating calls. Can a camera capture the stillness of the morning air, while time and timelessness invade our spirits there?

Additional Notes:
This is a villanelle.

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-08-03 00:19:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.89474
Cameras are amazing instruments, but for all their sophistication, they cannot turn the six senses of reality into the two dimensional world of the lens...but...artfully written words can. Why? Because cameras see with a lens, and words see with the heart. You have shown us your heart. Nice read.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-07-26 14:27:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Ed--Those of us who do not compose "fixed forms" can not experience the degree of difficulty required to complete one that makes sense while incorporating poetics and such. Your triumph of this French form is admirable. All requirements meet: 19 lines, 5 trecets and 1 quatrain with 2 rimes and 2 refrains (only a tiny hiccup in stanza #5-first word in 3rd line-(why vs while)-easy to fix). Excellent combination of alliterations (can a camera capture; wall while time and timelessness; shadows swimming; pink and purple water lilies float like other floral fare) and end rimes not only create vivid imagery (of nature/human nature) but produce melodic rhythmn throughout the piece. Thanks for sharing this wonderful effort with us. Keep writing. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-07-25 14:40:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Edwin: You've ambitiously tackled one of the most difficult of forms, the French villanelle. This more than meets the requirements of 19 lines, two rhyme sounds, and repetition of refrains at exact intervals. They are usually written in iambic pentameter. Though you've varied the meter substantially, it doesn't detract from the beauty of the form, at least for this reader. In fact, I venture to say that this is your finest work, to date. What captures me most is the philosophical impact of your poem. It strikes something deep within me - and elicits awe. The initial question you pose is one that quantum physicists and mystics ponder. I love the way this first line sets the tone for this poem, and sent me musing for long after the first reading. There is a Kafka-esque mood, and Monet-like 'color', especially in L1 of S6. Can a camera capture the stillness of the morning air? Like flies striking glass we fight our way against the wall, while time and timelessness invade our spirits there. The question posed in L1 is a bit like, "If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no one present to hear it, does it make a sound?" If no one view the photograph taken by the camera, is the stillness captured? Can any mechanical object somehow trap time, slice it into microseconds, and allow us to view it in the present moment? The picture is taken, but then the image immediately becomes part of the past, you show us artfully. We are truly helpless against the flow of time, as "time and timelessness invade our spirits there." Your "morning air" has the freshness of NOW, of the beginning of things rather than their passing. The poem demonstrates that they PASS and we may fling ourselves against the glass, "like flies" but can do nothing to effect this. Standing on tiptoe, looking over the bushes, I don’t care, that green moss has grown soft in the brick lined mall. Can a camera capture the stillness of the morning air? The "green moss" which has invaded the brick-lined mall seems to allude to the natural imposing itself into these unnatural environments which humankind manufactures. The "green moss" is an element, like the "morning air" which implies a freshness, a force of nature which, like time, cannot truly be understood or captured. The contrast of the "soft" of the moss, with the hardness of the "brick-lined" mall is a wonderful detail. I listen to my breath, as laughter washes away despair inspiring hope for man’s fight against his eternal squall, while time and timelessness invade our spirits there. Man's "eternal squall" is a droll way to describe our constant complaining. The laughter of this tercet is contagious. As a reader, I listened to my breath, too. A child’s voice asks, “What?” and older eyes stare at the shadows swimming ‘neath the black pool’s ghostly pall. Can a camera capture the stillness of the morning air? In the setting of a suburban mall, there are often pools and fountains made of artificial materials. I assume the "black pool" in L2 above to be made of an obsidian-like material. What does the older person perceive that is illusive to the child? Is the older person a symbol of "time" (as in "Father Time") while the child symbolises "timelessness"? “Tadpoles are baby frogs,” his mother laughingly declares. Staring at the reflection her mind cannot recall why time and timelessness invade our spirits there. I love the way the child's mother reverses the flow of time, with her retrospective remark above. "Tadpoles are baby frogs" reveals that she first thought of the tadpole and then remembered the frog. Or perhaps the other way 'round. We are all immersed in time's flow, you demonstrate throughout this piece. We become observers of this flow during moments of reflection, such as the mother experiences and shares with her child. The pink and purple water lilies float like other floral fare. Mother and son rise slowly and amble to insect mating calls. Can a camera capture the stillness of the morning air, while time and timelessness invade our spirits there? Lovely sounds abound in this piece, for example, in the 'li', '-all' and '-ill' above. They are liquid, languid and give texture and ambience to the final quatrain. Superbly well-done!! Congratulations on a captivating work of art. My very best wishes, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-07-24 18:44:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.89474
Yes, it is - and very nicely done, Edwin. Thanks for the change of pace, and the display of your very varied ald valid talent. In S2, L1 - I think the comma at the end is unnecessary, breaking the flow into the next line. And, in S3, I think I might move the comma from the center of L1 to the end of that line. Otherwise, I think it needs nothing altered. Exceptional piece and a pleasant read. Thanks for posting. Peace. wrl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2004-07-23 17:45:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.25000
Re: "Water Lilies" Villanelle is one of the more demanding forms, in that concentration is required to not vary from the appropriate structure. Or, to quote Shakespeare: "You gotta be on the ball, man!" Oh well ... Incidentially, I have never committed the form to memory, having to constantly refer to my book of poetry forms when writing villanelle. As I detest nit-picking, I will rely on the writer's adherence to form in this matter. Writer: "Can a camera capture the stillness of the morning air?" *** May I suggest that the author omit "the" and change "of" to "in?" Unless I'm mistaken it may fit the form's third line's rhythme more comfortably. [Which will, of course, also affect lines 3 and 4 of the last stanza as well. Writer: "I listen to my breath, as laughter washes away despair" *** The author might, please, consider altering the above to: "Listen, as my breath laughs to wash away dispair," for the same reason given in the previous paragraph. [The rhyming line is the same as the last lines in stanzas 1 and 6.] I must force myself in offering suggestions to a writer like this, as the work belies a skill, creativity, and experience easily surpassing mine. However, critique is what I'm supposed to do. Len McIntosh

Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!